NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
someone owes me an orgasm
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
