Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
