There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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