Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize