Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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