Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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