I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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