Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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