I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
