Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
MIDGETS
????
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
