I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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