Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize