My first STD was from a foam party
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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