oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
