Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
