Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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