There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
