Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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