I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So vagazzling was a success
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
