If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
