If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
