Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
