Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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