she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
