you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
