We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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