His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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