Need sex. Gaining weight.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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