I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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