my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
