10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He shit in the fireplace
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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