He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
