Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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