he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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