Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
