Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
