My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
