i already hear my dad disowning me
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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