This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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