He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
