You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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