farters have to be the big spoon...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
