life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You can't motorboat a personality
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
