he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
