Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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