Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We left an ass print on the piano.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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