1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
