upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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