Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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