Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We just shotgunned beers for America
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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