I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Life is so much better after having sex.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize