I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
