My first STD was from a foam party
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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