After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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