this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
