I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
