Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
