If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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