i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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