No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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