why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize