Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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