You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
