Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
