I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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