i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
