Plan B is the new Plan A
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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