Your face is a jimmy john
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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