Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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