Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
