I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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